My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
