then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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