I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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