coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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