Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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