my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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