dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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