He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
