nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
