Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My ass is underappreciated
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
