I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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