you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
home. puking in laundry basket.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
