The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
