Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
