walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
