I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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