I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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