i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
