The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
