Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Let's paint friendship bongs
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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