had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
