Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
