Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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