I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
