I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
