I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
