need another drink. this is the easiest way
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
