Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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