You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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