your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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