i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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