I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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