You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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