Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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