I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
