I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
