Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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