My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
