just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's shark week go big or go home
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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