So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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