good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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