It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
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I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
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i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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