A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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