I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
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He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?