I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS