I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
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I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.