i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.