My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving