I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
