This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
