8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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