So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
