The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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