please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
