I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
