tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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