i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
