3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
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If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
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I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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