Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
