Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
