i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
