Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
